No Thank You

No thank you,
I have had quite enough
Of this
Business of being cool,
Playing it close to the chest,
Making like the feathers of water birds,
Sheltered,
Proofed,
With beads of water
Rolling off.

I’d rather be thunder,
Inconsolable
For once
Than this quiet contained thing,
Drenched
Moment by moment
In the unconquerable rains
Of disappointment.

I’ll not keep quiet,
No thank you,
With this slow hole burning
From within,
Sucking down words with smoke
Swallowing uncomfortable truths,
No.

Politely, I say,
Thank you,
but I must now
Be loud.

© K Paige Medina 9/6/2016

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Should Have Been

You should have been here.
We should have been these
Lovers, fingers twining
Beneath tabletops and sheets
Glancing with eyes like firelight
Secrets dancing
Shared
Promises hanging like smoke
Or nets
Above the dinner table
Laden with plates and cups.

It should have been you
Plying willing fingers,
Slipping breathlessly into
Smiling silence,
Looking,
Seeing,
Polishing our sweetest words
Meant for each other.

But I am alone,
Fingers laced with rings
You did not give me,
Enveloped in smoke,
Holes in my socks
With no one to hold me.

Lover I lost,
Your lingering distaste
For my incessant need to feel
Reaches like long fingers
To wrap my memories in tears.

© K Paige Medina 9/4/2016

The Last Few Days

Did I give up love
For this arranged marriage,
This stranger,
Cackling,
Broken,
Embracing me with her fear?
What, then, is love
If in the midnight throes of this
Strange body’s upset,
I suddenly feel myself discovered,
Bound up in a mistress
Who is myself
And my wife,
Who is not any of us?
This dark thing,
A creature of my own design,
Brought to life by the echo
Of my own discontent.
Villain of my own heart,
Harpy with my voice,
Must I love you?
Claw out my eyes and make me profess your beauty.
For I am but a soul adrift
In the vastness of your witchery and theft,
Beckoned, drowning,
Down
Into the hell of your heart.

The golden light of longing
In the dark of discontent
Has led my feet too many times
From the path for which they’re meant.
The call of something better
From beyond a wayward turn
Sets my heart to promises
And my restless feet to burn.
It’s the strange impossibility
Of hope beyond defeat
That keeps me walking forward
Towards mirages in the street.
You called yourself a prophet
But the harder task is still
To calm my heart to silence
Through sheer force of will.

Romantic though the thought may be
To wander on forever,
There never was a lonelier road
Than this, stretched, ending never.

It’s the fire knowing it is not the smoke.
It’s like all the yeses in the world saying no.
It’s being all alone at night
And saying this is still alright,
That’s called home.

We’re just shadows of ourselves, darling.
We sit and stare at the beginnings of ourselves.
And when we look into the sky
And we’re only asking why
When we’re waiting for the answers
Then we’re home.

It’s like watching the rain
And seeing oceans.
It’s like when we laugh and all we hear are tears.
All the patience that we’ve given,
All the faults that we’ve forgiven,
Are we moving toward the end
Or are we home?

Don’t tell yourself you’ve never been in love.
Don’t wait because it’s never been enough.
When you’re wishing for a dream
That never asks for being seen,
If you’re looking for yourself,
You look for home.

©7/15/2016 K Paige Medina

A Heart of Water

I hold a heart of water
In the caverns of my chest,
Whose beating waves keep lapping;
Who never stops to rest.
Its coolness tells a story of
Both depth and bitter pain;
Of sinking into passions that
One heart cannot maintain.
This heart I hold is far too wet
To stand all on its own,
But far too changeful, regrettably,
To be another’s home.
It moves in tides and shimmers still,
A lovely siren’s heart,
That sings through night tides wistfully,
“Oh, let us never part.”
But in the morning it is plain
This heart is now too shallow,
For love cannot find purchase here;
The pools are all too fallow.
The lover, disappointed, leaves,
Feeling restless and betrayed,
Impatient for a calmer heart,
Whose songs are quieter played.

But this heart of water bears the pain
Of each unfettered guest
And each new song sings more deeply
Of regret than all the rest.
So if you find yourself adrift
In this heart’s stormy seas,
Merely listen to the songs of love
And do not fear the breeze.

©K Paige Medina 7/10/2016

Suspension

Is there a creature left on earth
Unafraid of falling–
Of the violence of shaken ground,
Of time suddenly stalling–
Do fish flung back to sea
Feel relief or feel afraid?
Are they sorry then to cease the
Soaring flight that they had made?
Can they mourn the loss of flying
Though it ended in a fall,
Or do they swim away instead
And never fear at all?

For I’ve been flung, myself,
Into abysses I have known,
And never been the happier
For once more falling home.

©K Paige Medina 6/30/16

The Time of Goodbyes

The feathers of belonging
Darling, they become you.
Where you are going
Will you remember the way
The lights dance on the rain?
Will you remember how to be cold,
Your lips all dry and cracked?
Don’t forget the sound of midnight
In October.

Lovely,
In your hours of absence,
I will remember the way
Your face struck the bar light.
We are in love.
We are forever.
I will be where you are not
Even as you are where I cannot be.

Remember me
As I am after the wine.
Remember you
As you are
When you are.

for JCB

[10/22/15]